HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS: BOUNDARIES AND LOVE

Wednesday, 29^th April 2015

CONFERENCE

HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS: BOUNDARIES AND LOVE

Richard Harvey

Psychotherapist and writer 

Last Tuesday we had the special visit of Richard Harvey, a psychotherapist and writer with humanistic and transpersonal foundations. The conference was focused on human relationships specially the importance of boundaries in love. 

On one hand, etymologically relationship comes from the Middle French relater, and the Latin term, relatae, which means that you communicate the story, you are the story. On the other hand, the term boundary is originated with the verb bind, which means how we are bound to this world in the sense of how we relate to the world.

According to the writer, there are three types of relationships, You, the Others and the World, as well as some boundaries such as: attraction, what is essential for a human relationship and three types of healthy relationships (I, You and We). 

From the very beginning we start our life with our breathe in and breathe out which states the crucial relationship between the inner and the external. As we do not live isolated, we should be able to answer some questions as follows to improve our relationships and recognize those feelings and factors (judgement, attraction, fear…) that may be affecting our relations: Who am I? Who is the other? What distance is between us? How do I judge? Who are you to me? How are we similar and what makes us different? 

One of the points that more attracted my attention was his classification of unhealthy relationships: 

- Boundaryless relationships are those in which there is a merging need of going back to the mother- child relationship of security.

- Power-over relationship: that in which there is idolization, domination and no meeting is possible. Normally there is a feeling of frustration and they disagree and argue with each other.

- Freezer relationship: they put each other down and they enjoy that frosty and bitter treatment.

- Bridge relationship: that kind of relationship that is based on the premise “the more I walk to meet you, the more you walk away and we don’t meet each other”. To sum up, nobody gives in to try to find a middle way solution.

I do agree with Harvey with the fact that a healthy relationship depends on the two individuals knowing themselves first. People mistake when they forget about themselves, their likes, hobbies or studies. They abandon their self-realization and what they really want to achieve in life. 

Harvey states that there are some keys in order to achieve a healthy relationship: 

1) The shadow-self in the only part of ourselves.

2) Communicate: talk, share and communicate with each other, touch and allow yourself to be touch, learn to listen and sustain attention, sympathy and empathy.

3) Discover the relationship between:

- Love, which is crucial, continuous and cannot be confused with need. 

- Need, which is not desire.

- Desire, which has to do with satisfaction, is not continuous and is not love.

4) Learn to experience your feelings and emotional life: feeling awareness should be developed to understand the layers of emotions. We should ask each other where and how we feel angry or sad…

MICRO-STORIES: "Broken Life"

Broken Life

Laura María Heras Ruiz

Juan Ramón Jiménez: “Llevaba el alma fuera, el cuerpo dentro”.

A gust of wind was rustling the leaves and frond of the ancient cedars, fir trees and willows surrounding the pond of the Crystal Palace. Sprigs of chrysanthemums and pansies spread along the paths, embellishing the gardens. An intense red brightness slipped through the branches, drawing almost naked silhouettes across the horizon. A young life, full of promise, was coming to an end. Why living if what you hold most dear cannot be achieved? A pallid youthful skin and body lay on the sward, while tears were still falling down her eyes, no more alive. Those gemstones locked up a man’s unattainable love, a desire with no age, a poet’s initials.

© Laura María Heras Ruiz (2015)

Pieces of Wisdom by Aphorisms

Sunday, 23rd November 2014

Writing poetry: Part I My Quatrain

Tuesday, 18th November 2014

Rehearsing to be a poet

You never know what you can do until you try,

so why not just rehearse a poet's rhyme?

Life is so similar to a wheel ride:

if you never dare, you'll waste your time.

Laura María Heras Ruiz

THE ART OF LOVING, by Erich Fromm- Chapter 1. Is it love an Art?

Wednesday, 11th November 2014

THE ART OF LOVING, by Erich Fromm

Chapter 1. Is it love an Art?

The main intention of the book is demonstrating that love is an art, something that requires knowledge and effort, which can be learnt. The author’s concept of love is the consequence of a conscientious work, not something that happens by chance.

He reinforces his idea of love as a struggle by mentioning three mistakes that people make when they love and which cause that many couples split up: 

The first failure consists of the notion of passive love (being loved) rather than active love (love somebody or something). People want to be loved or being worth of it. What is more, nobody thinks of being able to love as the main target to aim to. A big effort is needed to become successful or to get enough features for being loved.

The second usual mistake is to conceive love as an object instead of as an ability to be increased and developed through willingness, willpower and convenience. In fact, the belief of romantic love is very recent, and this vision has demolished the concept of love as a faculty in the world today, as it follows the path of consumism. In that way, we seek love as if we were looking for new clothes or shoes from a shop window.

Last but not least, the third mistake he has found is that people should stand in love instead of falling or being in love. This means that after being able to pass all the stages of love, even with its rough patches, there is nothing easier in life than to love. Not being able to stand in love causes an overwhelming lack of knowledge about the meaning of love and in most cases, falling in love ends to be an intense but extremely short experience followed by disappointment and frustration.

Finally, the writer reinforces the thought of love as an art by pointing out that you have to master both in theory and practice, and the proficiency of the art must be a topic of ultimate concern, that is, to have no other purpose than benefit your spirit, being a better person and feeling good.

THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH. KEN FOLLETT

THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH by KEN FOLLETT

REVIEW

The Pilars of the Earth is a historical novel by Ken Follett. This book tells the tale of a twelfth-century monk driven to do the seemingly impossible: build the greatest Gothic cathedral the world has ever known in the town of Kingsbridge, England.

One of the best things about this book is the way in which it combines intrigue, fast-paced action, and passionate romance. But what makes The Pillars of the Earth extraordinary is the time—the twelfth century; the place—feudal England; and the subject—the building of a glorious cathedral. Follett has re-created the crude, flamboyant England of the Middle Ages in every detail.

The building of the cathedral is the centre of the drama. Around the site of the construction, Follett weaves a story of betrayal, revenge, and love which catch the reader. That is what makes this great bestseller thrilling and breathtaking.

If I were to make a criticism of the book, it would be that the descriptions of the buildings and the process of building the cathedral were extensive.  At times it seemed a little long winded but for the most part I enjoyed reading about all of the work that went into building in 12th century.  The characters are all well-developed and Follett created one of the most awful villains I have ever read.  William Hamleigh will forever be on my list of super villains after reading this book.  He was such an evil character! Most of the rest of the characters were likable and I definitely felt connected to Tom Builder and his family.  I liked that the story followed the family for so many years and I could watch his children grow up and flourish.

All in all, reading this book you cannot fail to fall in love with the characters. The Pillars of the Earth is an incredibly intimidating book but once I started reading it, the story and characters trapped me. It actually reads pretty quickly for such a huge book!

A powerful ballad:`Nothing Else Matters´ by Metallica

Wednesday, 22nd October 2014

Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

´Nothing else matters´ is without a doubt one of the most outstanding and remarkable songs by the American heavy metal band Metallica. 

One of the best things about this song is the way in which the ballad is introduced by an acoustic guitar solo. This begins soft and weak and becomes more and more powerful and passionate.

The main theme of its lyrics is the bond that the composer Hetfield shared with his then girlfriend even when he was on tour. He stated that on the lyrics, which talk about being "so close, no matter how far". Curiously, Hetfield composed it when he was on the phone with her.

Listening to this song, you cannot fail to plunge and get seduced by the harmony of the guitar and the orchestra cover.

Arguably Metallica's only "love" song; "Nothing Else Matters" breaks away from the rest of its songs in terms of lyrics and melody. The ballad is, for the most part, stimulating, moving and thought-provoking. It manages to successfully combine love, rock and heavy metal. Since the lyrics didn't reflect typical Metallica materials, such as death, demons and drugs.

After listening to this song, you will be pulled to listen more and more hits of this well-know band.

"Nothing Else Matters"
Metallica

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters